Or, “Whole Foods Never Lacks for Entertainment.”
I had the extraordinarily good fortune of running into one of my favorite people – we’ll call her Bozz – at one of the worst places in the world to be at lunchtime. Seriously, Whole Foods at noon is just one giant run on Tofu. Good luck trying to get to the cucumber salad when it’s right next to the Tof-rench Toast Sticks.
Running into somebody I know at the Whole Paycheck when I’m not “on my game” could easily send me into a shame spiral. I picture the shakedown like this:
“Hey, don’t you pee a self-righteous stream of consciousness into the pool of the interwebs? What’s that Chubby Hubby doing in your cart?”
I was happy to be sighted by Miz Bozz while agonizing over the Kombucha section, next to a totally non-hypocritical basket full of veggies, organic blah-blah-blah, and a few Larabars. Beyond that, my hair was brushed and I’m pret-ty sure I was wearing a bra. #Win!
Back to Bozz. She’s easily one of the best people this side of the Adirondacks (I don’t know what that means either). She loves talking food, all things Paleo & Weston A. Price, and was able to hold me back when a dear, sweet, caring mother in the Ice Cream/Frozen Vegetable section informed her four-year-old son that since regular ice cream hurts his tummy, they should get “something with soy in it.” So…she’s also got the strength of ten (non-estrogenized) men. I know it hurt her heart too, but she’s a much more sympathetic and loving character than I.
Oh, and Bozz eats liver. Yup, she’s THAT cool.
So after scooching ourselves over such that we were blocking the Tofurky section, we proceeded to gab for about an hour. Bozz has a bun in the oven, (yay!) so I spent the better part of the conversation trying to persuade her to name said bun after a particularly classic brand of Irish Whiskey. (It’s gonna happen. Update: it DID happen! Toldja she was the #best!) It was at this point that I started snapping photos of stuff that was stupid.
First set – the Marauding Masqueraders:
Just look at the word “Tofurky.” Stare at it for 30 seconds. It’s a weird, creepy word. Like, shouldn’t be allowed within 20 yards of an elementary school creepy. And why do they feel the need to euphemize a meat-like word such as “Turkey” but still use the word “pepperoni” like it’s NOT the name for a mash-up of delightfully gross piggy by-products? Next, there is no such thing as “Ham Style.” There is only Ham. It comes from a dead pig and it is Dee-licious. I suppose if they called it “Sliced Soy By-Product” it wouldn’t sell – but still. These companies are obviously aware of the fact that people – consciously and subconsciously – want M-E-A-T.
Next – the Technicality Trap:
Now, I kinda like chicken sausage. It’s decent stuff. But there are a few issues here:
First, the statement “always vegetarian fed.” Chickens are NOT vegetarians. They are meant to eat bugs, worms, and all manner of creepy-crawlies. This should read “always not fed a diet of ground-up feathered friends, feces, or hand grenades.”
Second, notice how it states proudly that the chicken is raised with “no added hormones” with the tiny little “1″ that indicates there’s more to this statement. Look at that last line of text. “Hormones are not permitted in chicken per federal regulations.” Yes, folks. It’s illegal to use added hormones in chicken OR pork. They’re lauding their commendable achievement of not being illegal. Also, incidentally, it’s illegal to state something is “hormone-free.” Many restaurants make this mistake. Every animal has hormones in it. Then again, soy has phytoestrogens.
The MD Diet:
Another thing that’s stupid: My unrefined coconut oil that comes in the mason jars I like to keep is SOLD OUT because apparently some doof-nozzle MD said it’s OK. Now if we could just get Oz to say it’s healthy to jump off cliffs…
Okay, so I like that Whole Paycheck carries things like live yogurt, kefir, and coconut kefir. Food-based probiotics and fermented foods are critically important. But why must is be Low Fat? Dairy – cow boob juice – is NOT naturally low-fat. Low-fat dairy is a processed food. It’s also super. duper. lame.
I took a picture of this because it perfectly encapsulates my sometimes-feelings about “30 day challenges/Whole30s/Doing A Cave Girls.”
And last, I paid for it all with the following, a gift from my awesome in-laws: Dough, but in name only. (I see your grain-based propaganda, Whole Foods!)
Did I miss any irksome grocery-store #fails?